An Obsession with Everything Else

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Thursday, January 10, 2008

Which Paragraph Looks Better?

In my article about Franconian beer, I have these paragraphs:
But even the best Franconian brewers aim for the everyday drinker, not the thrill-seeking beer snob. Waltman contrasts Belgium's prestigious brews with Franconia's farmhouse ales.

Belgian beers kind of hit you over the head," he says. "They have unusual flavors; they're big. In Belgium, if you ask for recommendations for 10 breweries, they would all be cafes: People sitting around sipping these strong beers. In Germany, and especially in Franconia, beer is what you drink all day long. The beers are designed to be drunk." Simple flavors, well-balanced hops and low alcohol create a drink that can go with your weeknight dinner or your afternoon break.


This is the text as I submitted it and as the Chronicle ran it. But when I had a chance to review the piece before publication, I looked at it again and posed a question to my editor. Should it read, "Waltman contrasts Franconia's farmhouse ales with Belgium's prestigious brews"?

One of my writing mantras — one of the ones in my screen saver — is “Keep related concepts together.” Following that rule, the paragraph should read the way I asked. The first “Belgium” segues into a digression about that country’s beers. But then your internal reader sees “Franconia Franconia Belgium Belgium.“ Because those are proper nouns, it feels, for lack of a better word, loud.

What do you think?

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